Special Guest Blogger

Hello! As I have been lazy this month (mostly due to the countless hours spent online shopping for the familia) I'm posting an editorial from a guest blogger. Please enjoy this piece from my Uncle Boom: professional lawyer & amateur fireworks display man.

LOSE THE CLICHÉ GATORADE SHOWER!
As the final seconds ticked off the scoreboard clock in the LSU Tigers convincing 42-10 win in the SEC Championship Game over the Georgia Bulldogs, winning coach, Les Miles received the traditional ice cold Gatorade shower from his jubilant players. It's a silly and potentially dangerous way to punctuate such a sweet moment in sports. Some of the most successful coaches are in their 60's or even 70's. The shock of an icy shower at the peak moment of the adrenaline pumping exhilaration of a huge win could well put any of these men into cardiac arrest.
Years ago, players celebrated a big victory by hoisting the coach on their shoulders and carrying him off the field. We remember the iconic black and white photo of jubilant Green Bay Packers carrying legendary coach Vince Lombardi off the field after winning the NFL championship decades ago. It was so much more dignified and respectful than subjecting the boss to a freezing cold shower which in Green Bay was likely to be in sub-zero weather. The NCAA and NFL should ban this foolish practice.
And, while we're examining silly sports rituals, let's do away with the locker room champagne showers that celebrate championships of every description, from division championships in major league baseball, hockey and basketball, to Super Bowl, Stanley Cup and NBA championships. What a shameful waste of the bubbly (oh, I know it's not Dom Perignon, but it's still drinkable). You'd think the players would want to drink it instead of spraying it around the locker room and using it as an expensive shampoo substitute.
The champagne ritual is so predictable that both teams in a championship game have a case or two on ice, corks ready for popping in the event of a victory. Players know the drill and come to the locker room prepared with swimming goggles to protect their eyes from the acidic nectar.
Reporters reluctantly wade into post-game interviews in rain gear and boots and lockers are protected from the spray with plastic covering. What a silly exercise! I can imagine the losers'  locker room, totally quiet and subdued with disappointment, as players sit drinking a bottle or two of bubbly to drown their sorrows at falling short of the ultimate prize. No championship rings for them, but they do get to savor the champagne that was on ice to celebrate a hoped for win.
And then, there are the boxes of ball caps and T-shirts freshly stenciled with the team logo and championship accolades: "LSU NATION--- SEC CHAMPIONS--- 2011--- WE'RE #1". The winning players don the festive gear for post game interviews, many wearing the hats backwards with the price tags still attached, dangling in their faces.
The inaugural Big Ten Championship Game in Indianapolis featured an extra "surprise?" for the victorious Wisconsin Badgers, dozens and dozens of red roses to symbolize their New Years Day berth in the Rose Bowl against Oregon. Makes one wonder what the losing Michigan State Spartans did with their supply of roses, or whether the Big Ten supplied the props. Somehow, a burly football player strutting proudly with a rose stem clenched in his teeth is a very uncomfortable image.
Both teams have prepared for a victory and have the hats and T-shirts at the ready for the big celebration they expect. Only one will be the champion. I wonder what happened to the apparel emblazoned with "GEORGIA BULLDOGS, SEC CHAMPS, 2011" or "MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS, BIG 10 CHAMPS, 2011". Were they distributed to the players with the admonition that they are never to be worn? Were they burned as a symbol of their hopes and aspirations going down in flames? Were they donated to charity? Who knows?
Sports clichés mark the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. They are hackneyed traditions embedded deep in the fabric of competitive athletics. But, as one seasoned coach admonished his player about an exuberant end zone celebration after a touchdown, "Son, act like you've been there before."
The winning coach should ride off the field on the shoulders of his players, not drenched in Gatorade. Champagne should be quaffed, not sprayed around a locker room. Players should act as if they've won it all before...even if they haven't. 
Admittedly, none of this is likely to happen, but at least cut off the price tags before you don the ball caps and go on camera. And, the cliché photo op moment

Happy Thanksgiving Football Fans!

Although I was unable to actually sit down and watch any games this turkey day, I was able to celebrate in the home of a true Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Let's be honest, everyone in Pittsburgh is a die hard Steelers fan and they aren't afraid to show their colors. Driving from outside of Philly to Pittsburgh this afternoon we officially entered "Steeler Country" along the Pennsylvania Turnpike at the toll both. They had a sign in case any Eagles fans try to slip over the border. I was very close to buying some fresh gear at the K-mart but I resisted in the end. I don't really have room in my suitcase for a Steelers piggy bank, salt & pepper shakers, and some new sweatpants (note: thinly veiled Christmas gift ideas).
But back to football and the Thanksgiving Classic. I searched a little history in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, and this game actually began when the Lions (formerly Spartans) were bought & moved from Ohio to Detroit in 1934. The new owner thought it would be a great way to introduce new fans to the team and created the gimmick of hosting a football game on Thanksgiving Day against my home team the Chicago Bears (the Bears won that game19-16 by the way). The games continued, with Detroit hosting and playing the Bears until 1939. Like most things at that time, WWII ruined it all. But the Lions picked it back up again in 1945 and have hosted the Thanksgiving Classic every year since. In 1966, Texas wanted in on the action and Dallas started hosting an annual Thanksgiving day game too. Now there's a 3rd game, but that has no historical significance and is therefore boring.
The one highlight I did catch, and sent the internet buzzing, was when Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh was ejected in the 3rd quarter after holding down Packers lineman Evan Dietrich-Smith and hitting his head against the ground and then kicking him in the chest. It's blatant poor sportsmanship and he deserved to be kicked out of the game. But the real TV gold came after the game when he said it was all an "accident" and that his motions were just a result of him trying to get up after a tackle. Because, you know, it always happens that you bounce your opponent's head off the ground a few times as you're trying to right yourself, and then to avoid falling when you stand up you need to put your foot on their chest. I'm sure this guy will have a great job as a lobbyist a la "Thank You For Smoking" after his NFL career is over with the spin he put on that situation.

Pro Pick 'Em Goddess

I am number 1 overall in my Yahoo! NFL Pro Pick 'Em pool; surpassing my man & all my co-workers! Unfortunately this hasn't translated into winning actual money each week, but it does entitle me to some bragging rights. I almost won this week, but it was a 3-way tie and I lost in the tie-breaker. I think the football gods were punishing me for ignoring my teams the last 2 weekends. I only caught the 2nd half of the Patriots versus Chiefs game last night. No one cares when the Patriots win.

Steelers vs. Ravens

Oh man. I was so disappointed in my team this Sunday that I just couldn't write about the game. And when my co-worker brought it up on Monday it brought all those bad feelings back again. But I've had 3 full days to recover and it's time to face the fact that we lost. We were so close! But those Ravens just kept control of the game and kept on making those 3rd down conversions (14 out of 21 to be exact).
The game started out exciting enough and the teams appeared evenly matched. Both the Steelers and the Ravens had several incomplete passes in the first half and the defensive teams were on fire. Unfortunately there weren't any taunting plays this time around, but Steelers safety Ryan Clark did get an unnecessary roughness call after he hit the Ravens tight end Ed Dickson. Turns out he also got hit with a $40K fine; much worse than a parking ticket.
I think one of the big turning points was when Ravens offensive linebacker Terrell Suggs intercepted the pass from Roethlisberger. Even though the Steelers took the lead after this play, they started making poor defensive plays and were getting sloppy. Regardless, some Steelers players stood out. First was linebacker James Harrison, who sacked QB Flacco 3 times. The man was on fire! Then kicker Shaun Suisham scored 4 field goals this game. He's become a frequent player on the field this season, scoring 15 field goals overall with a 75% completion rate. In our house we now call "Sushi Time" every time he steps up to kick.
Obviously I didn't want to Steelers to lose, but this game was super exciting. I was on the edge of my seat and actually yelled at the TV! And that's really what football is all about. You want to see a good, old fashioned rivalry and you want lots of back and forth on the scoring drives. I'm hosting a party when these two teams meet up in the playoffs.

Movie Night

It's Friday night, what's a girl to do? Apparently, it's time to troll around the interweb with my man and look at animal attack videos. Somehow, this also led us to videos of NFL players being "mic'd up" and intimidating each other. I thought it was worthwhile to showcase a particular video - I was surprised to learn that threatening anal rape is a part of football trash talking. Who knew? I thought that kind of intimidation was only available in men's prisons.

At first this sounded shocking, but after several views it became totally hilarious. I guess if doing the Haka and sticking your tongue out is no longer effective you have to resort to saying you're going to tear some one's ass up.

Don't fret; there's a kinder, gentler side too. Butt humping is also considered affectionate in the NFL, as evidenced by Rashard Mendenhall affectionately dry humping Ben Roethlisberger. Now Ben knows what it feels like on the receiving end.

Happy Halloween!

So here's a little something for my male audience. No Halloween would be complete without women dressing up as sluts. And although NFL cheerleaders wear skimpy outifts every Sunday, the holiday provides that much more of an opportunity to dance around in costumes. God Bless America!

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Ah, wake up and smell the pig skin! It's week 8; the halfway point in the regular season. Like the teams I watch each Sunday, it's time for me to get serious and find a strategy that's going to get me to the play offs. My posting has been a little inconsistent this month and I think it's because I've been focusing on giving the play by play on a few games. While this is helpful for learning the more subtle rules of the game and getting a handle on some players, it's also a little dry. I need to excite myself as I write! Which means that I need to bring back the player gossip, a little shopping, and some trash talking. I also must continue to comment on the games I watch closely, as this really is the best way to pick up plays and appreciate the game. And I have come to appreciate the game.
For example, last week Green Bay had a surprisingly difficult game against the Vikings. They were behind at the half 10-17 and then came back to score 2 touchdowns in the first 5 minutes of the 2nd half. And players on each team had some amazing plays: Green Bay's Mason Crosby made a 58 yard field goal in the 3rd quarter, rookie Vikings QB Christian Ponder passed for 219 yards and 2 touchdowns, and Vikings defensive player Robison kicked Green Bay's TJ Lang in the balls. But Green Bay pulled out the win 33-27, and a lot of it was due to the total awesomeness of QB Aaron Rodgers. His stats are consistently on the rise. This year he's already passed for 2,372 yards, 20 touchdowns and only 3 interceptions. Beloved Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger has passed for 1,937 yards, 12 touchdowns and 6 interceptions. He's beat out Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Eli Manning and Tony Romo so far this year. Unfortunately my Toxic Twins (Green Bay's defensive players Hawk & Matthews) didn't make it to the top 10 list for tackles.
Well, the early games have started in the time it took me to put together this little piece. You can look forward to some more frequent posting as we enter November. And as we get closer to the holidays I'll be sure to post some more NFLShop gems so as to help others purchase gifts for me.

Bears vs. Vikings

Another hometown rivalry & this time we killed 'em 39-10. Jay Cutler was on his game tonight, passing 48 yards to Hester for the first touchdown. The Bears made 3 plays, went 68 yards, and made a touchdown in the first 3 minutes of the game! And the momentum continued with 16 unanswered points in just the 1st quarter. One of the more interesting plays was when the Bears scored a safety by tackling Vikings QB Donovan McNabb in the end zone. After consulting Wikipedia, a safety is the only way the defensive team can score because they tackle, or lead the offensive team to score, in their own end zone. A safety is worth 2 points and is one of the more rare scores in football.
I had to leave the bar at halftime to head back home and I missed another big play of the game in the 3rd quarter. Hester ran 98 yards on a kickoff return to score another touchdown, and from the replay you can see that he runs right through a pack of players at the 20 yard line and no one can catch him. Unfortunately Hester got a chest injury in the 4th quarter and had to leave the game, but hopefully his skills will be back for week 7. Cutler ended up throwing for a total of 267 yards with no interceptions.
An extra bonus for me is that I will also win ultimate bragging rights this week against my man. In my Yahoo! Pro Pick 'Em league I chose the Bears over the Vikings. My man went with the Vikings due the Bears lackluster offensive performance this season in addition to a poor defense. But I had faith in our home field advantage, as the Vikings have lost the last 9 out of 10 games played against Chicago at Soldier Field. Guess who's logic prevailed?!
Alas my other picks weren't so great. I went against Vick and the Eagles this week, but they beat the Redskins 20-13. The Giants beat Buffalo and Detroit had their first loss of the season against San Francisco, in addition to a little scuffle between the coaches at the game's end. By now everyone has seen the replay of 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh getting excited after the win and slapping the Lions coach Jim Schwartz on the back with a handshake. You can actually see Schwartz say "What the fuck?" before running after Harbaugh. Unsportsmanlike conduct penalty anyone?

I'm Back!

I took a brief, unplanned hiatus these past 2 weekends. I watched all the games but I didn't take the time to write down my thoughts. Did you miss me?
Let's start with the Pittsburgh vs. Houston game on October 2nd. My man and I went down to the local watering hole and ate a giant breakfast and watched the games with the masses. It's near impossible to watch all the games simultaneously on 20 TVs while eating huevos rancheros. I had to pick my games wisely. The man was pretty upset by the Steelers performance and eventual loss to the Texans 17-10. But I got to put my new found knowledge to use. I don't know if it's possible to over use the term 3rd down conversion, but because I think it makes me sounds smart I try to repeat as much as humanly possible during each game. Examples: "Looks like they're going for a 3rd down conversion." "They didn't get that 3rd down conversion." What an awesome pass for a 3rd down conversion.".  Roethlisberger had a huge 3rd down conversion pass to Mike Wallace in the 2nd quarter of the game for  40 yards. We thought this would lead to a touchdown (and who doesn't think it will lead to a TD when you're only 12 yards from the end zone & have just 1 yard to go for a 1st down), but instead it led to a crazy ass field goal error when the Texans blocked the field goal attempt and then Houston's Johnathan Joseph ran to score a touchdown. Luckily, the the TD was recalled because of an illegal block in the back by the Texans Manning. Whew! The Steelers tied it up in the 3rd quarter, but due to incomplete passes, a sacking of Roethlisberger, and touchdown by Houston's Arian Foster in the 4th quarter we lost.
One positive that did come out of the game was learning about some new penalties. According to footballbabble.com, an illegal block in the back is when an offensive player blocks a defensive player from behind. So no pushing from behind when your team has the ball. (It is a pretty bitch move) I think my new favorite penalty though is "taunting". The Steelers Mike Wallace got a taunting call when he started shouting towards the Houston fans & players along the sideline after making a great play. This penalty falls under unsportsmanlike conduct, and is actually a 15 yard penalty. Personally, I don't think trash talking should be called a penalty. I think they should hook up mikes to the players and call it reality TV.

Pick of the Week

Clearly someone in my life isn't taking my NFLshop.com requests seriously. I am neither carrying a Swarovski encrusted purse nor am I eating chili out of a football helmet. Disappointment!
So I'm going to tone down the price point of my purchases this week in an effort to actually score some loot. How does my special someone expect me to be his live-in cheerleader if I don't even have any fan gear to wear? Let's go back to basics this week with a simple t-shirt request. I'm a size small.

10/16/11 Guess what surprise I got in the mail this week?! I wore my new shirt all day and looked exactly like this model, except hotter because I am a blond. XO

We get it, Tony Romo was awesome tonight

1:50 left in the Monday night game of Washington vs Dallas and I just got the rundown of the general awesomeness of Tony Romo's game tonight. He played with a broken rib! He recovered from some pretty crappy snaps! He passed for 255 yards! He's got a great dimple! And they just pulled out a win 18-16 despite several errors! Luckily he's so modest that he didn't take all the credit after the game.

Yeah Sunday!

Well, my baby is back & we went to our local bar to watch the morning games. Breakfast + beer = FUN! It's clear that football is much more fun when you make it social. I'm able to concentrate better (despite attempting to watch 6 games simultaneously), and I get to show off my new found knowledge. Plus, I get to ask questions and get immediate answers without the help of the Internet.
This Sunday morning was pretty exciting. I chose to give my initial attention to the Eagles vs. Giants game and the 49ers vs. Bengals. I'm unable to explain it, but I've come to want the Eagles and 49ers to win. Why do I like them? Am I identifying with Michael Vick and our shared minimal knowledge about the blitz? I have no idea why I even developed emotions about the 49ers...this is a mystery that will require years of psychotherapy. Perhaps it's a fleeting love affair and won't last past week 4. When I suggested to my man that I might have to start rooting for the opposite side of the state instead of the Steelers he told me it was unacceptable. Rooting for the Eagles might have to be my new secret as my hope to get married is stronger than my new found loyalty to Vick and Henery. Plus, Hines Ward is still my number 1 man.
But back to the action. There were lots of good plays between the Giants and Eagles this game, and they ended at the half with 14-13 Giants thanks to a last minute field goal by #6 Henery. But then Vick got injured in the 3rd quarter and was out for the rest of the game. The Eagles also couldn't punch it in for a touchdown at the 2nd yard line in the 3rd quarter and had to go for the field goal on the 4th down. I knew it was over when the Giants scored a touchdown in the 4th quarter with 3:32 left in the game. I think Vick's injuries are what can get in the way of a good season for the Eagles. They've pinned their game on his ability to perform, and every defensive player is gunning to get him after the football is snapped. I think other teams' defense want to personally injure Vick at each game. They must be dog lovers.
Not too much to report on the 49ers versus Bengals game besides the total awesomeness of Bengals #94 Domata Peko. I want to braid his Samoan mane. The 49ers pulled out a win 13-8.
The real action was in the Detroit vs. Minnesota and New England vs. Buffalo games. I wasn't in a great bar position to see the subtleties of these games live, but I caught the last minutes of each game. I also called that the Detroit vs. Minnesota game would go into overtime in the 3rd quarter and my man kept denying it. Booya! Detroit's #81 Calvin Johnson, aka "Megatron", won the game in OT for the Lions when he caught that 40 yard pass. Then Hanson kicked in the 32 yard field goal to win it 26-23. 
Onto New England vs. Buffalo. Pretty Boy Brady kept throwing interceptions and, according to my man, when a team throws more than 3 interceptions in a game there's a 90% chance they'll lose. And that's exactly what they did. This game also allowed me to learn some new vocab: unanswered points and 3rd down conversion. Unanswered points is basically when one team scores several points in a row without the other team scoring. Example: The Bills scored 17 unanswered points between the end of the 2nd quarter and start of the 3rd against the Patriots. Damn, I'm so effing cool right now!  3rd down conversion is just when a team goes enough yards on the 3rd down to turn it into a first down on the next play. Now I have more lingo to impress strangers with.
Congratulations to the Bills! They're 3-0 with their 34-31 win against the Patriots. To make it even that much sweeter, the Bills have broke their streak of losing to New England in their last 15 consecutive games. Suck it Belichick!

near heart attack

I almost screamed aloud in my apartment as I was checking email and a headline about "Brett Favre broadcasting" came up on MSN. How could I continue to watch football if I had to listen to his commentary?! Luckily, upon further review, it appears that he's simply broadcasting a game on October 1st at his old alma mater Southern Mississippi when they play Rice. No one cares about that!
I learned a valuable lesson this afternoon about the importance of reading entire news articles and not inferring too much from the tag line alone.

I love snacks

For this week's NFLShop feature item i'm going with this Steelers Snack Helmet. I think it's a little overpriced at $54.99, but i'm hoping that it appears larger in real life than it does in the picture. I mean, does it hold a lot of chips or just one of the snack bags? I probably wouldn't even fill it up with chips...i'd just go for M&Ms, Junior Mints & Sour Patch Kids. Maybe I should request 2 and then I can make giant bowls of chili for me & my man to eat as we watch the game. I'll put some cheese & sour cream in the face mask part.

I'm still waiting for my sparkly purse...

What Michael Vick and I have in common

No, it's not our love of dogs. It's our total inability to understand The Blitz. The blitz is kind of my Holy Grail. I hope by the end of the regular season I will be able to recognize it when the players are at the line of scrimmage. Apparently Vick also lacks the ability to recognize the blitz, even when he's on the line of scrimmage & staring right at the other team's defense.

What I do know about the blitz is that it's a defensive play and the goal is to tackle the QB. What makes it confusing is that the defensive players change position on the line right before the snap and each team has different blitzes with different names & formations. When I learned about the weird names for the different blitzes I decided to make up my own blitz called the "Zoomobafoo Blitz". Just because I can! The goal of the Zoomobafoo Blitz is to always sack Brett Favre...even now when he's just walking down the street and enjoying his retirement.

QBs and the offensive line really have to be good at reading the blitz because it means they will have to make quick changes to their plays right before the snap. I don't yet understand how the QB recognizes that a blitz is about to happen, and Wikipedia isn't helping me any. My neighbor even hit the pause button on his DVR during week 1 to try and show me the blitz and I still didn't see it. Am I blind to the blitz? The rumor is that Vick is blind to the blitz too. In the Eagles vs. Falcons game on Sunday, Vick had a lot of turnovers and some of it was due to not recognizing the blitz and being pressured to pass, ending in interceptions, fumbles & being sacked. I realize that QBs have a hard job, and I've clearly expanded my knowledge enough to give credit to football players and how much strategy goes into the game (Me: "Wow, they really aren't just big, fat guys running around the field. This takes a lot of work." Boyfriend: "No shit."). But why would the Eagles sign such a large contract ($100 million to be exact) with Vick if he's still learning how to read the blitz? Don't you want to invest in someone who already practiced and focused on perfecting this skill in college? Maybe I'm being too harsh, or maybe I'm just jealous because I wish I could get a guaranteed $40 million despite not knowing a major part of my job. I guess we'll have to wait and see which one of us is able to bulk up our blitz knowledge in time for the playoffs. I'm already watching tape.

Time to Pick 'Em!

It's time to make my weekly picks for my work pool. My co-worker won last week without any football knowledge (she just picked teams that had colors she liked. this is not a joke), but i'm determined to make some educated guesses this time around.
I only had the attention span to watch 15 minutes of SportCenter this morning before work, and with all the other sports news I didn't get too much advice about the NFL games. The only segment I watched was about the Chargers vs. Patriots game, which focused on the QB's. Now I am probably one of the few women who does not find Tom Brady attractive. I hate his little fashion mullet! Plus, I think the general public option is that Bill Belichick is a major douche as far as head coaches are concerned. So what's a girl to do? Clearly, the Patriots are good at football and it would only harm my chances at winning if I didn't pick them to win over the Chargers. But i'm more emotionally attached to the Chargers. They're the closest NFL team to where I live and Philip Rivers is the hotter QB. With a quick glance at Rivers' Wikipedia page to bolster my personal opinion I found another factoid. This guy is virile! He's got his 6th kid on the way this season. I think I might have to pick the Chargers based on sperm count.

Buy me this

For my first NFLshop.com feature item i'm going to go with something to showcase my hometown team, The Chicago Bears. Now every girl loves jewelry and every girl loves purses, right? Why not combine them to create the most awesome thing ever...this little nugget of a jeweled purse. It's not quite Judith Leiber, but it is covered in Swarovski crystals and it does allow you to bring your love of football to a black tie affair. And, lucky you, it's on sale for $509.97 (original price $799.99). I wonder which Real Housewife likes football?

Monday Night Football...oops, I missed it.

I cannot tell a lie, I only watched 5 minutes of the Broncos vs. Raiders game tonight. What can I say? I keep a very busy social schedule. I'll need another night to catch up on the highlights via SportsCenter and online. The only thing I'm certain of is that I did not win this week's Yahoo! Pro Football Pick 'Em at work. Damn!

I also forgot to mention my favorite comeback story this week: Plaxico Burres, the new wide receiver for the NY Jets. Turns out he was drafted to the Steelers in 2000 as a number 1 pick, but is probably more famous for shooting himself in his leg in 2008 and then going to jail for the last 2 years. Who goes to jail for shooting themselves? Trusty ol' Wikipedia filled in all the glorious details, including the fact that he was in a NYC nightclub and wearing sweatpants with a gun tucked into his waistband (of course) when the gun began to "slide down his leg" and he accidentally pulled the trigger when he tried to grab it. How dumb are you to wear sweatpants in a nightclub and then carry a gun without putting the safety on?! Seriously Dude. Did he really need to go to jail? Wasn't the embarrassment of shooting yourself enough of a punishment?

But now he's out, and he's ready to play football and give the finger to his old team the NY Giants. How can you help but root for the guy. He's 34 (old by football standards) & he hasn't played football in 3 years, but he was really committed to working out in prison. He also has to have the ability to laugh at himself and his good luck, because after this SOB shot himself and went to prison he's making 3 million dollars this year with a potential to make much more if he preforms well. Gotta love the NFL!

Steelers vs. Ravens

I must confess that I was only able to watch 1 game yesterday in it's entirety and it was a rough one to watch if you're a Steelers fan. They were killed by the Ravens, and it was even possible to hear the crowd shout "Steelers suck! Steelers suck!" at certain parts. Not a great season opener for my man's home team.

But there was a lot of action & drama. The Steelers and Ravens have a long standing rivalry, and it's grown more heated in recent years due to, what else, nasty text messages being sent between players before games. Even NFL players aren't immune to bullying each other like middle school girls. According to Boomer & the gang at ESPN, in 2008 Steeler's rookie Rashard Mendenhall sent a text message to a Raven's player and he, in turn, exaggerated its contents to pump up his defensive players for the game. As retaliation for the nasty texts, the Ravens defense broke Mendenhall's shoulder during the game. Maybe that reaction is a little extreme, but both teams hit hard during this rivalry game and players have been left with concussions and other injuries each year.

This year the defensive teams kept hitting hard and putting pressure on the quarterback. (The award for most intimidating facial hair by a defensive player goes to to Steelers #99 Brett Keisel.) Things got so heated between the teams that in the 3rd quarter the players started fighting each other after a play in which the Ravens tossed aside Troy Polamalu after the play was complete. They even knocked down a ref! It looked like a hockey game for a minute. But things settled down and the Steelers lost 7 to 35.

Oh man, I have so much more to write but I need to start getting ready for work. It's hard to have a life and watch NFL football at the same time. But I can already see that my other TV-watching commitments will fall to the wayside in my quest to truly understand the game. It's easy when ESPN is basically a male version of The View.

Disclaimers

I figured that if I'm going to be posting all my deep, personal thoughts about football on the interweb I should offer a few disclaimers. It's not for legal reasons, as I don't even think anyone is reading this or wants to sue me (yet). It's more about being fancy & appearing legitimate.

Disclaimer #1: I'm not a journalist, aspiring writer, or aspiring reality TV star. I can't even write good! Please ignore any and all gross grammatical errors. I will run the spell check and I will attempt to spell all players' names correctly. Unless I say otherwise, most of my facts will come from either ESPN, Wikipedia, or the NFL. There will be no footnotes or citations. (Now that I've given the disclaimer it can't be called plagiarizing :-p)

Disclaimer #2: There is no possible way that I can watch every football game. I love TV, in fact I'm totally addicted to it. But I'm too cheap to subscribe to any cable package that allows me to watch every game at home and I can't spend every single Sunday in a bar because I need sunlight to live. I will be relying heavily on ESPN (pregame shows & SportsCenter) to help me fill in the gaps.

Disclaimer #3: I will trash talk. Not because I want to hurt people's feelings or I have an anger management problem, but because it's an important part of watching professional sports. Plus it's easier to be a smart ass when you have the anonymity of the Internet. I apologize in advance to my parents for the use of any bad words and will keep it to a minimum.

I think 3 Disclaimers is a good starting point. As I rise to the top of the blogosphere I'm sure additional disclaimers will be required.

Packers vs. Saints

I made it home in time for the last half of the 2nd quarter in the opening season game and started firing off the questions to my man and our neighbor. I figured it was time to learn the fundamentals! Before 7:00pm Pacific Time, the only positions I really knew were quarterback, running back, and wide receiver. Due to a combination of reality television and USC alumni status, I knew some major players. VHI shows featuring Terrell Owens & Chad Ochocinco taught be about the wide receiver in addition to the headache of dating an NFL star. I mean what sane woman would put up with all the cheating, cigar smoking, hours spent "watching tape", and horrible fashion choices? Ochocinco is hot but I just can't date a man who wears white pants on a regular basis & lives in Cincinnati. Reggie Bush was the only running back I ever knew. Quarterbacks are a little easier to recognize as they're always getting the love from the press & fans. Unless you've been living under a rock, names like Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Jay Cutler, Philip Rivers, Tom Brady, Joe Montana, Dan Marino & Drew Brees are pretty much household names. It must have something to do with their pretty faces. Other than these guys, everyone just went into the category Offense or Defense. And thank God they were wearing different colored uniforms otherwise I would never know the difference!

Lesson #1: The positions on the field. Let's start with Offense...we've got the QB, center, wide receiver, running back, full back, tight end, and offensive lineman (tackles and guards). Then we have the Defense...lineman, linebackers, cornerbacks, and safety. My neighbor told me that the numbers on the players' jerseys actually correspond to the position they play. This required more investigating! According to Wikipedia, a system of assignment of jersey numbers was started by the NFL in 1952 (see imaginary footnote). You should google it to get more details, but basically players are assigned a number 1-99 based on their position. For example, offensive & defensive lineman are assigned a number between 60 and 79. Before 1973, the numbers 0 and 00 were allowed, but apparently that's not cool anymore. And there's your first NFL factoid :-)

I hope you weren't expecting any additional info about the different positions. I get overwhelmed easily and, truth be told, I had to write down the positions just to remember them from 2 hours ago. Plus, I'm really more interested in sizing up the players and making my own commentary. I don't need Bob Costas to tell me who I should like and who's good! Seriously, Costas looks like a muppet and he gets all dramatic about the back stories. I love gossip just like every warm-blooded American, but it doesn't require slow motion footage and dramatic pauses. I want it quick and easily digestible, like the gossip and photos that come in my Us Weekly. Now here's my breakdown of the Packers vs. Saints game.

First, I really wanted the Saints to win as they were my Yahoo! Pro Football Pick 'Em choice for tonight. God help Drew Brees if he just cheated me out of $26 (insert menacingly shaking fist). Also, because I grew up around Chicago I was raised to hate the Green Bay Packers, Lambeau Field & Brett Favre. It was my birthright! I can let go of the feelings towards the Packers, but I really do hate Brett Favre. I'm glad he finally stayed retired this year instead of toying with every one's emotions and coming back at the last minute; then being a little whiny bitch about having to attend camp. Dude, we saw your penis via text message and now we all know what you were compensating for. But I digress...and apologize for the totally unprovoked animosity.

There were really 3 things that stuck out for me during this game: Drew Brees' sacking in the 3rd quarter, Packers Defense #52 & #50, and NFLshop.com. Let's start with the sacking. Why the hell did Drew Brees attempt to throw on the 4th down when the Saints could have guarenteed a field goal? And why didn't he throw away the ball before he got sacked? We'll never know the answer to the 1st question, but the second question led to a teachable moment: intentional grounding. I thought QB's could just toss the ball out of bounds if they were gonna get sacked, ran out of time, or got scared & didn't know what to do. It turns out they can only throw the ball before a sack if it's headed towards an intended receiver, otherwise it's a penalty and you lose 10 yards. Mystery solved, but I would have taken the 10 yards just to stop those big guys from jumping on me.

Moving on to the Packers' defense, especially #52 Clay Matthews & #50 AJ Hawk. I will now forever refer to these guys as the Toxic Twins (or Nelson). Check out those flowing blonde manes and nasty tackles! With a quick check of the Packers' roster I even found out that Matthews went to 'SC. There's no doubt that these two are great linebackers, but they would also make totally awesome knights at Medieval Times! They were my MVPs of the game.

Finally, NFLshop.com. Why is this important? It's not, I just want to incorporate shopping into my football watching. You can buy a couch with your team's insignia on it! Or a toaster that will burn your team's logo onto your toast. I'm too cheap to actually buy any of these items for myself, but I do accept gifts. Now my boyfriend has no excuse not to buy me stuff because he can buy me everything with a Steelers logo on it. I think it might even be a little "weekly segment" on my blog. Each week I will choose 1 feature item from NFLshop.com and my wonderful man can surprise me with it the next week in the mail. Luckily we live in sunny southern California, so I can actually wear a Steelers bikini in the Fall. Free Shipping!

What this blog is about...ME!

Hey! Guess what? I'm a girl hopelessly trying to learn about football. The NFL season is about to start (tomorrow night to be exact with the Packers vs. the Saints) and I've decided that this is the season I'm going to really educate myself.

I grew up knowing only 2 things about football as a middle school cheerleader: you get 4 downs to try and go 10 yards, a touchdown is worth 6 points, and you can score an extra point by kicking a field goal afterward. OK, make it 3 things. The cheerleading coach decided that the dads needed to educate us about the inner workings of the game when we began to mess up the offense & defense cheers (Need I mention I'm also a blonde?). My mother decided to host the grand event in our backyard and my Dad thought it would be a good idea to have a scrimmage so we could really put our new found knowledge to the test. Needless to say it ended with a lot of shouting, eye rolling, sighing, and 12 year old girls prancing around our yard. I tried, but I was a middle school ballerina/cheerleader and clearly had more important things on my mind.

My second experience with football was when I went to USC for grad school. The Pac-10, oh how you have changed me! In a grad program that only spanned 2 years, I spent an entire year watching college football every Saturday. My 1st year I had no idea what all the fuss was about. But then we won the national championship in 2004 and my new roommate told me about how tailgating really meant it was socially acceptable to start drinking at 10am and eat bacon-wrapped hot dogs. Because I had gone to a small Division 3 liberal arts college with a strong hippie population I had no idea about big time collegiate sports. My college idea of a good time on a Saturday morning was waking up and taking a hit off my friend's bong, then going to In n Out and trying to talk about the value of unions. (Just kidding Mom & Dad, I meant to say that I sat on the mounds and engaged in deep philosophical discourse and read books. Thanks for the tuition money.) So from Fall 2005 until January 2006 I would wake up, don cardinal & gold, party my face off, then watch some football. My football knowledge began to expand: Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush, and the Spirit of Troy marching band. I also know the So-Cal Spellout. I'm still committed to the Trojans, but we got a bit of a blow with all the NCAA sanctions. Reggie, why did you have to eff it up for the rest of us?! I've still managed to attend all but 1 of our Homecoming games since I've graduated and I'm not planning on stopping. (the 1 year I didn't go I was living on the east coast & had to watch the game in NYC. But my brother-in-law was an awesome super fan & I have the photo to prove it.) Plus I can still claim bragging rights as I was actually attending the school when we won our last national championship.

But 2011 is the year where I'm really going to get it! The technical aspects I mean. I'm reading The Blindside, I've signed up for my office's Yahoo Pro Football Pick 'Em league, and I live with a die-hard Steelers fan. When my boyfriend and I moved in together I actually inherited Steelers memorabilia, including 2 commemorative Superbowl football trophies! Thanks to my ex-boyfriend, a Chargers fan, I learned enough about the NFL to woo my current (and exponentially better) honey. I knew I had him when I did the amazing bar trick of listing all 32 NFL teams by name & city. But did he call my bluff? Only our first season together would tell.

Fall 2010: I used all my feminine charms to disguise my football ignorance. I watched the games with him & asked questions in a cutesy voice, I exploited my graduation from USC, I brought him to a USC homecoming game, I learned the names of the Steelers' head coach & main players, and I arranged a bet between him and my father during the Bears vs. Steelers game. I even tried to keep up with my co-workers and drew a bracket for the playoffs.

But it's 2011, we've been living together for 6 months, and I want his ass to marry me. Just kidding, LOL! I just want to know more about what I'm going to be watching for the next 16 weeks (not including the play offs). Plus, learning about football now could lead to a proposal by Hines Ward in the future.

Why do I need to write a blog about this? Isn't this just another desperate girl who just turned 30 and lives Southern California trying to look cool for her boyfriend? Um, no. First of all, my boyfriend will read this and laugh at me. And I'm also planning on inviting his family and my family to read it, which equals lame-o. And I just turned 30, so shouldn't I be really interested in learning new things just for the hell of it? I thought that's what 30 year olds do! Why shouldn't I attempt to learn about the blitz, the history of the game, what the hell those ESPN guys are talking about? Football has everything I'm already interested in: illegitimate children, crime, hot dudes, football wives, and ridiculous amounts of money. In short, gossip & drama. But I need to bring it up to the next level. As I told my man last night: "Hey, these guys really have to know a lot. They're not just running around the field." To which he replied, "Um, yeah!". He also corrected me tonight and said that Reggie Bush is no longer playing for the New Orleans Saints. If I had known that earlier I would have picked the Packers to win in my office league instead!

So get ready for me to unleash upon the world my new knowledge! A majority of it may just come from sitting on the couch, watching ESPN and asking my boyfriend questions. If I'm feeling really motivated I might just look on the Internet or in a book for deeper answers. Don't let this blog mislead you...I am not attempting to make football understandable to women. Women are smart enough and don't need me (or anyone else) to dumb anything down for them. It's just that I'm horribly sports-illiterate and have a lot of things to learn about football, plus I have lady parts. Boo-yeah!